Submerged

I think if you knew what happened
you'd forgive me
If you knew how they convinced me
that it could never be
that it was all a delusion
I think you'd still love me
But if you wanted me to disappear
For you, I would be history

I know I handed you words so 
I know the rehearsal was real
But other than that, they convinced me
That all the rest of it was never really real

And maybe it wasn't

And the pain and shame 
I felt from all that is something 
I never wanted to feel
And I don’t think I could do it again
So I’m praying and hoping that I’m not
I’m praying and hoping that this is real

So I had to take a long break
A long long break
After the cable broke
And I hit the floor
A real long break
From everything that was real
In order not to choke
In order to heal

Because every time I heard or saw you
It brought back the implant of my being killed
And I had to put you away 
Because I was never going to get my fill

So here I am
Writing 
And still not knowing 
Still not really knowing
How could it be?
How could this be?
When they convinced me
Yeah, they murdered me
Which means they murdered us
And that should make you angry

If it was real

How could you think I would ever purposefully hurt you?
I simply never would
You made everything worth it
And we still could

But I need a sign
A real one
And you said you'd be flying blind
But I'm still here alone with this compass that's broken
And I can't find my way home

And you could change that
And I wish you would
I wish you'd trust me
I wish you knew you could

But I don't need their attention
I never really did
I just wanted to create
And hide away and live
I always kinda hated it
It felt so cheap to me
I never could do it like you, so very gracefully 
Mine felt like they were raping something sacred
And that always made me very angry
Yours is beautiful
Yours is legendary

I don't need to be in history books
Or have their eyes on me
Don't need them to know my name
Or anything about the sea

I don't tell people our story
My ego doesn't need to cash that check
But maybe someday we should 
Just to see how it's spent

Maybe there's nothing to tell

I would never betray you though
I'd rather be dead
I will always hold you like a curio
And be willing to die in your stead
I almost did
I almost did

What we have is so much more special
Than ever needing it to be sexual
You are and always will be my word lover
And if you were the pills
I'd take them of my own free will
But I had to get rid of theirs
Because they destroyed me
The remnants still confuse my beliefs

I know it's been a long time
But now it feels like yesterday
If you knew what I had to do to get back to you
I don't think you'd want to walk away

If it were real

I'm not looking to hurt her 
Not looking to hurt him
I just think we could be allies
And possibly friends

But if you need to stab me
I'll bare my chest for you
And you can stick the knife in
And destroy my insides too

My defiance would never allow anyone this 
But you've always been the exception
And for all I know, this isn't real either
And I'm just a fool falling for deception

But I understand if you're angry
I understand if you want revenge
I've eaten a lot of words all over the timeline
And I've also had to deal with them

But if it's pain you're feeling
And I think it is
Then I've truly let myself down
And I hope we both can forgive

I'm sorry it took me so very long 
I just couldn't escape my mind
And if this time isn't real
I don't think I'll make it back next time

Either way, I'm done with poetry
And I'm truly sorry

I thought it was real

- June 15, 2024